And I'm on my knees Looking for the answer

So I have been down and out, searching for answers. I went to the endocrinologist on December 20th to discuss the blood test results. He first said I need to reduce my thyroid medication liothyronine, because my levels were in the higher level, but not out of range. I told him I did reduced them and since, I have have been achy, depressed and weak. He seemed mad and told me the risks of being on too much thyroid meds and told me he could not prescribe that amount because of his membership to the National Thyroid Association. Now, I think it is crazy that patients have symptoms and don't feel well, but since there in the test results show a "normal" level doctors cant increase the dosage. Also I know that higher dosage of meds can result in osteoporosis. But do I lower my dose and feel like shit and maybe get osteoporosis, or raise my dose, feel better now and maybe get osteoporosis, I vote for feeling better.

Then the doctor told me how sometimes he really hates his job and proceeded to explain how Hashimotos works (which I already know and he discussed this with me last time) and hem hawed around. He then told me that when a person has Hashimotos, the body doesn't stop at just the thyroid, but moves to different parts of the body. People who get Hashimoto’s disease sometimes develop other autoimmune diseases, such as:

Vitiligo (vit-ihl-EYE-goh) — a disease that destroys the cells that give your skin its color
Rheumatoid arthritis — a disease that affects the lining of the joints throughout the body
Addison’s disease — a disease that affects the adrenal glands, which make hormones that help your body respond to stress and regulate your blood pressure and water and salt balance
Type 1 diabetes — a disease that causes blood sugar levels to be too high
Graves’ disease — a disease that causes the thyroid to make too much thyroid hormone
Pernicious (pur-NISH-uhss) anemia — a disease that keeps your body from absorbing vitamin B12 and making enough healthy red blood cells
Lupus — a disease that can damage many parts of the body, such as the joints, skin, blood vessels, and other organs.

The doctor told me my the results for the Glutamic Acid Decarboxylase Antibody (GAD) came back at 211.3 the normal range is 0.0-0.5. He told me I will develop type 1 diabetes, but not sure when. The GAD test shows I have antibodies which are attacking the pancreas (killing off the beta cells which make insulin) will eventually result in type 1 diabetes. I was in shock and I froze, so I didnt get to ask the doctor more about this. The doctor, just unloaded this huge burden and said my door is open if you want to come back and left it at that, just walked out the door. I don't understand why he wouldn't order more test results when he saw these high GAD levels. I guess he is a specialist and just deals with diagnosed diabetes, I don't know.

I was pretty upset and went to my family practitioner, I showed her the results and the problems I have been having. She did not know what GAD levels were, she did help me with my joint problems. As for the ovarian cysts, I guess I will just have to deal with those, since I do not want to be on birth control.
I called later and asked her if I could have my A1C checked. They took my blood Friday for that and I have not gotten the test results back yet. I am starting to think I should get a second opinion on this. I am finding lots of information on the internet, but I don't know what to believe. I do have symptoms like hungry all the time, thirsty, peeing all the time, tiredness. I have been checking my blood glucose levels, but not sure what to make of them. I feel lost.

The days following the doctors visit, I have been confused and overwhelmed by the information. I have cried, researched and talked to others on diabetes forums. I want to learn about it, I want to prevent it, I want to be armed and ready. People I have talked to tell me not to worry about it, since I don't have it. The way I feel about it is if this is my sentence I want to know about it, so one day I don't just wake up and don't know what to do. I think I need a second opinion because I have the symptoms.

On the upside, we picked up Cody's cousin and mom on friday and we went to the road home in SLC and picked up Cody's cousins daughters and took them out to dinner. I feel so awful for these kids. They are such beautiful and wonderful kids and to think what they go through at school, or just walking out of the road home, kills me. I am so glad we were able to take them out for a while and spend time with them. They are in my heart and thoughts, I hope the best for them.

Saturday we went to my moms and had dinner, then went to Cody's Grandpa's, his whole family was there. It was very nice to see everyone, we don't see that often. Pinky, Marty, and Daren, played music and we danced. I was so happy for Cody's mom who hasn't spent christmas eve with her family for ages. Sunday we went to my sisters house, nieces, nephews, Grandma, and brother were all there. It was fun, but hectic to see all the kids open there gifts. We then went to my Grandma Griego's, my poor aunt was running late because she had to work. Cody had to leave to take his mom back to Logan :(. It was nice to be able to sit down and talk to my Grandma, I told her what the doctor said and she showed me her insulin she takes, it was a dial type, the needle was small and wasn't so bad. I know she is worried about me, I am worried about her and so many other people in my family. I wish I could stop worrying, it keeps me up at night and makes me more tired. I am glad I had enough energy to make it through the last couple of days. Yesterday and today I am thoroughly exhausted, and confused.

Through all of this recently I have realized how delicate life is. I was so glad to have spent time with family. Sometimes I feel I have to take it all in because it may be the last time I have with them. I miss my Dad so much around this time, I know I have two Dads watching over me.

Hold my hand harder. Ease my mind.

Today I feel as if a bus has run me over. My head hasn't stopped aching, but yesterday I felt a bad one coming on and took an Imitrex. I started to feel just plain weird, my face started to feel as if it were burning, I felt twitchy, dizzy, metallic taste in my mouth. I'm not sure if these were side effects to the Imitrex, it has never happened before, I guess it was a tension headache. I am still feeling like shit today. It's hard to move my head and neck, muscles hurt, and so sleepy. I was doing research on the web and found "The Thyroid/Fibromyalgia Connection" (http://thyroid.about.com/cs/fibromyalgiacfs/a/fibrothyroid.htm) I read on and found I have all but one of the symptoms. I really need to stop doing research because it freaks me out. Then I feel like a hypochondriac.

Some days I wonder why the hell I feel so damn old, why I have these problems. I try to tell myself its all in my head, but the pain and symptoms are still there. I am trying hard to be strong, but sometimes I feel I just don't want to live like this, feeling old, like I cant control my body. It sucks and I just want answers.

Get this weight of my shoulder I've carried it well.

This past weekend was an eyeopener. I had an appointment Friday to get a Echocardiogram or heart ultrasound at the U. We also had to get to les schwab to get our tires changed. We got ready, walked out the door and noticed a flat tire.....damn. We changed the tire and were off to les schwab. We were pretty hungry and so we went to the Mexican restaurant, Cody got a breakfast burrito. I was curious if this gluten free lifestyle was actually working, so I thought maybe I would eat some gluten to see. So I got a breakfast burrito as well. We got our tires done and headed into the city. We were too early for the appointment so we decided to do some shopping. Got some gifts and names off of our shopping list, then we headed to the U. The exam went well, the ultrasound examiner said he didn't see anything abnormal, just a heart murmur, which I knew I have. But he said I will get the final word after the "pinheads" reviewed it.

On our way home we stopped and ate some Chinese food, not gluten free. It was sooooo good, had tons of leftovers and went home. I was just feeling bloated that night. The next morning, Saturday, I got up and moving around, had some leftover Chinese, was feeling OK for a little while, then started feeling really nauseous. It all came up violently. I felt weak, shaky and a little dizzy.

We forgot my meds up at the U and had to go back and get them. I wasn't really feeling like going, but had to. We got hungry and I was still curious to see if other gluten would effect me. Although I wasn't feeling well, I thought maybe the Chinese food was just a coincidence, its not the first time Chinese leftovers haven't set well. Cody wanted to try something new so we were driving down State st. and saw Coatchman's, it has been there for ever. We went in and it seriously felt like we walked into a time machine. Even the people looked like they were set in the 70s. It was kinda weird. The food, I thought was great, old timey, and you got a ton of food for cheap. Cody went to pay and they do not accept debit or credit cards....but they accept checks...seriously who writes checks anymore.

We went to Lehi, did our shopping and went home. I still didn't feel good. Sunday, woke up and felt weak, shakey, dizzy and my hair was falling out again. I don't know if this was all just coincidence, but I really think it was from the gluten. I decided to go on with the gluten free lifestyle. I am hoping something will change. I am having headaches around the clock still, not sure if that's from this weekend or something else. I just wish they would go away. Hope the doctor will have some answers.

It's in my soul, it's what I need.

So long time since I posted. I am still on my gluten free diet, it is going well. My joints still hurt and I have been feeling pretty lazy lately. It may just be the cold weather.

Thanksgiving went great, it was so wonderful to spend time with family. I don't see them that often and for that I feel a bit of guilt. The food was great, I ate what I could and brought some gluten free food.

Last weekend we helped my Grandma put up her tree and decorations. It was such a nice stay, that we stayed 2 nights. We went to Hobby lobby and had a ball. Sunday on our way home I got the chance to take photos of my niece and nephew, Stevie and Cooper. It was fun, I am happy to get the experience. I would love to retake some, some are pretty blurry. It was so much fun.

I finally got my test results back.....alot of labs are high or low. Not sure what to make of it. I did some research and tried to figure it all out, one in particular bothers me. I can't even talk to my doctor about it until the 20th. I like this doctor, but don't like how long his fan-list is.

And the decades disappear like sinking ships but we persevere

I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist today, one I had never met. I was a little nervous, he reviewed my history and began to examine my thyroid. He asked me all these questions about my childhood and where I grew up and work. I am not sure if he was just making small talk or if this was part of the examination. He explained what Hashimotos is and all the medical stuff. He could have skipped that part, but then he asked me what I want to know and what I want him to do. I have not had many doctors be so up front with me. I told him I just want to be me, the way I was before I developed this, I want to know how to get back to who I was. It took him a little while, but he admitted that Hashimotos patients never get back to 100%, you can get close, but never again would I be the old me. He told me he was Buddhist and he has learned that we are never who we used to be and things could be worse. I realized what he was saying, every moment changes us, every experience, but to stop and look around and know that things will be OK.

I admit I was a bit upset, I really had hope that I could get "me" back. I began to cry, I couldn't help it, something came over me and I... in a way felt hopeless. He told me he would help me with anything I need. He suggested some more tests to rule out other health issues that might be effecting me. I have clammed down and realize this is just the way I am, I cant change it. But I also know I can help it with naturally by taking care of myself. I really loved the fact that he was Buddhist and that he was so honest and up front. I have had doctors promise me that if they put me on this pill or that I will feel better, yadda, yadda. If I have learned anything its that there is no "magic" pill or quick fix.

The gluten free lifestyle is going very well. In fact since we were in the city today we were hungry and wanted to eat. We went into California Pizza Kitchen, they had gluten free food, however there were no gluten free pizza. We talked to the waiter and he said they took the gluten free pizza away because of employees and cross contamination. I really wish the restaurants would educate the employees on different allergies and the importance of handling food properly. We ended up at Pier 49 Pizza and they had gluten free pizza. I was pleasantly surprised at the taste. Cody got a regular meat lover pizza and tasted my gluten free Hawaiian and he liked mine better.

I am so thankful to have family that loves me. To have met my birth fathers family and have them in my life. To have such a wonderful husband that loves me so deeply and takes care of me. To have a job and money. To have a house, that we have made a home. All these things and more in my life that are so wonderful. Sometimes I forget how much I really have, I realize I need to step back and see how truly lucky I am.

I need direction to perfection

I realized I am the worst blogger ever. I didn't even put history or meaning to what I have wrote. So here is the long history to my madness.

Back in March 2009 I got the worst headache of my life at my Aunt Patty's birthday party. The room started spinning, I could barely walk and thought my head would explode. My Mom was with me and she walked me to the car and I started to hyperventilate, I seriously thought I was going to die. We went to the Mountain Death...I mean Mountain West E.R. and they told me it would be at least an hour wait. I held my head in the waiting room in complete agony. As time went on, I started to feel better and decided I wasn't going to pay for this crap and went home.

The next day I was completely wiped out, I didn't feel right. Days following I kept getting headaches. I decided to get a doctors appt. with a local doctor. She tested me and found my thyroid was under active and diagnosed me with hypothyroid. She put me on synthroid (man made thyroid hormone) and I felt worse, my hair started to fall out and I became very depressed, it was one of the biggest lows in my life. I told her about it and she said it was normal and to exercise more.

I did a whole lot of research and found a Naturopathic doctor. I had never been to this kind of doctor before and thought it was different. He did extensive blood work and diagnosed me with Hashimotos disease November 6th. He prescribed me Armour (Natural thyroid hormone) I felt a tiny bit better, but still felt out of it and depressed. I found that I blocked things out of my mind from that time. We bought our house and I was feeling a bit better. I remember we went to my cousins wedding in North Dakota and getting back and just getting so depressed and crazy. I decided to just stop my medication, I was done having Hashimotos and I didn't want to live this way,I was in denial. Well that didn't work and I was soon back to my Naturopathic doctor. He did more tests and said he had seen how other patients were having success on T3 and T4 medication. I started this new medication method and found it worked better than all the other meds. I still don't feel 100% "me" yet, but closer than I ever have. This fall I found that I was getting that "off" feeling again with erratic moods and feelings.

I went back to my Naturopathic doc and did tests. My thyroid levels had shifted once again. We raised my medication levels and I am feeling...."better", but I still feel off. My hair is falling out, facial twitching, my arm goes numb and tingly, bones creek, and I cant remember my ass from my head. That is when I remembered how my Naturopathic doc wanted me to start a gluten free lifestyle. After much research and thought, here I am.

1. WHAT IS HASHIMOTOS? Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis is an autoimmune thyroid disease in which your thyroid is being attacked by your own immune system via antibodies, attempting to destroy your gland. It may start out silently, but the attack will eventually cause an inflammation and gradual destruction of your thyroid gland and can go on for years with miserable side effects to match. It can also cause nodules or lumps.

2. Symptoms of Hashimoto's thyroiditis include: Myxedematous psychosis, weight gain, depression, mania, sensitivity to heat and cold, paresthesia, fatigue, panic attacks, bradycardia, tachycardia, high cholesterol, reactive hypoglycemia, constipation, migraines, muscle weakness, cramps, memory loss, infertility, and hair loss.

3. So why am I attempting to go gluten -free: Research shows there can be a strong connection between having Hashimoto’s disease and Celiac disease. Celiac disease is a autoimmune digestive disorder that results in an overreaction to gluten, a protein found in most grains like wheat, rye, oats and barley, which can be found in breads, cereals, pasta and many processed foods. The overreaction, causes autoimmune damage to the intestines, which results in poor absorption of nutrients. (Oats, which can be gluten-free, are often contaminated within soil where gluten grains were once grown, or in the processing facility).

Gluten can also trigger the very autoimmune reactions that cause you to have Hashi’s, since supposedly, the cells of your thyroid are similar to the cells of gluten, i.e. an attack on one is going to make your ripe for the attack on the other. As a result, some Hashimoto’s patients experiment with eliminating gluten from their diets, and with good results. Or, there are tests developed to help you figure out if you have Celiac disease, and the stool test is highly recommended.

References:
1. & 3. http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/hashimotos/

2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hashimoto%27s_thyroiditis


Now that we got all that medical/history mumbo jumbo out of the way I have to say...YAY! I got my bread machine and was able to eat bread on Saturday. We also visited Grandma Brown on Friday and I just felt awful when she wanted to make us dinner and I told her that I wanted to go gluten free for my health. She searched and searched for something gluten free, I told her not to worry about it. I ended up having salad and Cody and Grandma had pizza. It was really nice to visit and catch up. I have been doing good on my new gluten free lifestyle and hope to see some results soon.

Harder than I thought.

I decided Tuesday November 15th, that I would just do it, just go gluten free. I know it is pretty easy from an advanced gluten free expert and so I thought by reading blogs and such, "How hard could it be". The emotional and physical aspects have been rough. Yesterday I got pretty depressed, tired, a headache and my bones ached. I couldn't figure out why. After looking into "The Bible"...AKA Internet, I found that there are withdrawal symptoms. Ahah! This must be it. This morning I have been weak, dizzy, anxious, slightly depressed and my eyes hurt. Weird how the body reacts to such things. I hope it doesn't last long and I can be strong through all this. I really wan to get feeling better.

I have been kinda feeling sorry for myself with all this gluten free talk. Just thinking about how Thanksgiving and Xmas will go over. Either having to bring my own food or not eating. I don't want to tell my poor Grandma cause I don't want her to feel bad, but I feel she will feel bad if I don't eat her dinner. Will she feel bad if I bring my own food? I hate thinking about it, but know I will have to face it like a woman. I don't want my family to feel like I am being difficult or prissy. I feel they wont understand that I am just looking out for my health. I feel its something I have to do, to see if this will make me feel like me again or at least feel alive.